Friday, December 6, 2013

The Hidden Danger of Sweat Pants

As of Tuesday of this week, I was laid off from my job.

I'm not going to lie, it's pretty nice getting to sleep in, putting on sweatpants first thing in the morning, and sliding my feet into my cozy Lands End sheep fur slippers.

But it's a slippery slope, folks. Those sweat pants can dangerously snowball into a day of sloth and drudgery...

With that in mind, please allow me to explain how sweat pants are the real-life version of "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie."

Let's start in the morning.

1. Sweat pants. No one in her right mind would pop out of bed, shower, and dress in street clothes when she doesn't have to go anywhere. I mean, come on, blue jeans just can't compete with sweats when it comes to comfort. So where's the harm in putting on sweats? They are practical and comfortable.

The harm is that when you have no obligations, you can find yourself in sweats all day long, having made no effort to go out into the real world, with real people, doing real things. Sweat pants are a blessing and a godsend, absolutely, but they can also be a trap of comfort that encourages you to stay inside, rather than go outside and interact with the world.

2. Brushing Your Teeth. So, no where to be? Welp, I'm going to eat breakfast, apply for a few jobs, drink some chocolate milk, work a bit on my novel, watch a movie, and whoops! I get up to go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and realize that 1) I look gawd-awful, having made no effort to turn myself into a respectable human being, and 2) I didn't even get around to brushing my teeth, and it's already 4:00 in the afternoon!

You may be thinking, eh, minor thing, pop a piece of gum and move on with it. It's not a big deal. But it IS a big deal. Just as it becomes a habit to brush your teeth in the morning, it also becomes a habit not to. And you need your teeth! No one wants to hire a toothless wonder!

3. Movies ALL DAY. WOOOO! Who doesn't want to have a day where you get to sit and watch movies and luxuriously do nothing? No one. Everyone loves a movie day. But now that you're unemployed, every day gets to be movie day! After all, you're in your sweat pants, and you haven't even brushed your teeth. What's stopping you?

You should be stopping you. It's important to remember, that even though you don't have a job, you aren't a human slug. Besides...you can only watch Ever After and Lethal Weapon so many times before you should really start judging yourself harshly.

4. The Internet. What an amazing and wonderful resource, and what an incredible way to waste your time. And hey, depending on your last job, this may be what you would have been doing all day, anyway.

Still not an excuse. When you have the rare opportunity to talk with live humans, and you find yourself talking about what you saw on BuzzFeed and Reddit, or quoting Lethal Weapon, you should have red flags popping up all over the place. You're now talking to people about interacting with machines. Back in high school, we used to call people who did that "geeks."

5. I'll do it tomorrow. Well, you've already spent most of the day watching movies. I mean it's 4:00, right? Really, what's the point in trying to buckle down and get something done, most of the day is gone anyway. Besides, it's not like there isn't time tomorrow.

Really? Are you really going to do it tomorrow? Right, and your new diet starts tomorrow, too, doesn't it? If you don't have the self-discipline to do it today, then what on earth makes you think you'll actually do it tomorrow? You could be missing some huge opportunities today simply because you've decided to waste your day on the internet and watching movies.

The point is, sweat pants and unemployment are like the perfect storm of comfort and lack of responsibility. When you have nothing to do, why do anything? Because...you're a human not a rug.

So - with that in mind, I'm going to go change out of my sweats and brush my teeth so I can go to the gym and interact with live humans...or at the very least, people watch.


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