Sunday, January 20, 2013

Oh, Who Doesn't Love the Gym?

This summer, my roommate and I will be running the Tough Mudder. I did it solo last summer and had a great time. So much fun, in fact, that my roommate couldn't wait to sign up with me for this year.

I've set some goals for myself this year, the first one being that I don't fall into any of the water pits below the obstacles (last year, I fell into every single one...obviously someone needs to work on her upper body strength).

So, this year, I have been going to the gym, improving my pull up capacity, and more. It's all been very exciting, I can assure you.

My favorite part about going to the gym, however, is the people watching, and as such, I have made a list of the 10 people I have discovered who go to the gym - in no particular order.

1. Average Joe: Nothing too out of the ordinary to report.

2. The Hulk: These guys are enormous. Their biceps are larger than my thighs. They have to attach extra weights to the machines, because the 200+ pounds on the machines isn't enough. They have their pre-workout protein shakes...and their during -workout energy drinks...and their post-workout protein shakes...and the 900 calorie protein bar...and a dozen eggs for dinner. They come to your weight rack, and ask to borrow all your 45 lb weights because they have already used all of the weights on their rack. And their poor t-shirts that have to work as hard as they do at the gym, just to keep them clothed. Poor, poor shirts.

3. That Girl: She's gorgeous. She has meticulously planned her outfit - tight 3/4 length spandex, tight t-shirt that's just loose enough so that she doesn't look like she's trying too hard, hair styled to perfection, make up delicately painted on her features to make her even more striking. Every head turns as she walks to the nearest machine, chosen precisely because of the erotic position it puts her body in. She pauses briefly, and then flings her hair over her shoulder as she grips the handles like she's about to land the Millennium Falcon. Then, her mouth parts, her muscles tense, and she pushes the weight up with a grunt just loud enough to be audible to those around her, and just sultry enough that given her positioning the mental leap is instantly to the bedroom. Break a sweat? I don't think so. Break some hearts? Guaranteed.

4. The What the Hell?: She's that woman in the locker room who weighs about 260 (at 5'4"). She is standing in the middle of the room, contorting her body and grunting like a hippo in heat (honestly, I've never heard a hippo in heat, but I imagine she would grunt) while she is squeezing her way into a tight foam-ish looking jump suit. You get caught staring at her antics, and say the only thing that comes to mind, "That looks rough." To which she replies, "RAAAH! It's not supposed to be easy....puff...puff....gasp....RRRAAAAH! It's a power lifting suit." You stare blankly back at her and nod, "Well, have fun."

What the hell?

5. The Power Lifters: They have chalk. They have lifting shoes. They wear soccer socks pulled up to their knees, and straps around their wrists. And above all, they sit on the same piece of equipment the entire time they are at the gym, moving it around periodically, and talking a lot while clapping their hands and getting chalk everywhere.

6. The Whoa...You Need To Be Here: It's not nice to say, but it's not nice to see either. That poor person who is struggling. Big time. They're gasping for breath over simple exercises because they are drastically over weight. That said, it's fair that they're struggling...you'd be struggling too if you had to lift that much during simple exercises. Yet, to those people, I say, congratulations. It's not easy, and my hat is off to you for being there. That's a hell of a commitment, and I commend you for it.

7. The Grunters and The Weight Droppers: You know who you are. You grunt loudly enough that everyone in the gym knows you're lifting a heavy weight, and if they missed your grunting, you drop the weight at the end of your set so that it goes crashing to the floor - just to make sure everyone knows. Don't worry, we got your message loud and clear - you don't have to beat your chest, you want to be the alpha male monkey. Have at it...no really, please. It's all yours.

8. The Other That Girl: She's got her game face on, she's super fit, she's focused, and gorgeous to boot. But to really ice that cake - she's nice and she'll smile, help, or share any time she's asked. Everything in you wants  to judge, to dislike, to find a flaw, but you can't, because she's just flat out cool. Best option...make her your lifting buddy!

9. The Palpably Odoriferous Treadmill Runners: Perfume is not necessary at the gym. And really when it comes to perfume in general "less is more" is a poignant quip to keep in mind. That said, Prince Charming is not going to find you on a treadmill...and even if he does, you're going to suffocate him with your Chanelle No. 5 before he even has a chance to say "Hello" or perhaps, "Can you lay off the perfume?"

10. The Incredibly Talented - Oh-My-Goodness-How-Did-You-Do-That Guy: The one who does such an amazing feat of athleticism that you can help but be impressed as you stare open-mouthed while he completes the set. The one who is so strong and/or fit that he has to come up with unique exercises to work muscles that you didn't even know existed. You people are incredible...keep up the good work.

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