Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Argument Evasion Tactics

This goes without saying, but I'm female. Though I may not be representative of the entire female population, I feel like, because I'm female, I am qualified to make some generalizations about women. Now, while I realize this may not apply to every woman out there, in my experience it applies to most. It is the simple assertion that a hungry woman is an unstable woman.

You're probably wondering what I mean by "unstable," so allow me to explain with a simple story about my friend Missy. At a certain point of hunger, Missy becomes entirely irrational. For example, on a family road trip during her teens she announced to her family that she was hungry.  Her parents, being dedicated and loving individuals, decided to stop at a near by grocery store to pick up some food for their hungry offspring. Upon hearing their decision, Missy burst into tears and said, "I JUST WANT REAL FOOD!" Except for her sobs, the car went silent, and her family members looked at each other with baffled expressions, while Missy sobbed and babbled incoherently in the back seat about real food.

Now, I'm sure many of you are thinking that Missy's case is extreme, but it's not really. Think about the number of arguments you've had with a woman that seemed completely irrational, and you couldn't figure out why she was picking a fight. She was probably just hungry.

There is something about women and hunger that makes us irrational - whether it's irrationally moody, irrationally tearful, or just flat out irrational. Think about it. Have you ever seen a man burst into tears because  he was hungry and he didn't like the available restaurant options? Have you ever seen a man lose it entirely because you picked up some food for him on the way home and got his order wrong?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying men don't get grumpy when they get hungry; however, they rarely get irrational over it. I tried to find some studies that explained why women have such severe and absurd reactions to hunger, but I wasn't able to find anything. Thus, I have created three steps to facilitate living with a hungry woman.

Tactic 1: Always have a granola bar on hand. If things seem to be escalating, and you can't really figure out why she's getting so uppity over something mundane, give her a granola bar, and find some excuse to vacate the area for the next 5-10 minutes. Upon your return, you'll find a much more rational human being.

Tactic 2: Never argue with a hungry woman. She is not in any emotional state to be having an argument with you. Everything you say will be taken negatively, and anything that could be interpreted positively will be flagrantly ignored. Change the subject, and get her some food. Revisit the argument later on a full belly.

Tactic 3: Read the warning signs. Most women will make their needs known. It may be as obvious as, "I need food," (Translated: you have 15-30 min to get some food in my stomach or I'm going to be a basket case) or as subtle as, "What time would you like to eat?" (Translated: I'm starting to get hungry, if we prolong this activity for another two hours I'm going to be saying, "I need food.")

A smart man is  a prepared man, and a prepared man has snacks readily available.

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